Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

My family has come and gone. My daughter finally made it back, after being trapped in Portland because of the snow. For those of us in climes where snow is a marvel, for her its a way of life.

During our Christmas dinner, I asked everyone to say what they would do if they only have one month to live. My daughter surprised me, she said she would go and visit her father in prison. This revelation prompted serious discussions among me and my 2 children, as well as some negative behaviors. I haven't avoided the discussion of their father, but it brings with it so much baggage, so much hurt. But we must face that thing that we fear. If they are ever to heal, they must fact the hurt and shame. I must face the hurt, the shame and the guilt.

We are scattered to the winds, but time together was good and maddening. What is it about the holidays that causes so much tension? I found my children reverting back to high school behaviors. Watching them and talking with them, let me know that they have hurts from the past that are just hard to heal. I cannot begin to fathom what it's like to have a father in prison for a heinous crime. I cannot imagine what it was like to witness their mother being assaulted by their father. I cannot imagine what it's like to wonder "will I turn out like that too?" I am powerless to change the past, or change my children. I cannot make up for the past, but I can fix my eye on the one who can change it all, the one who has the power to heal, that is Jesus." We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

Prayer is the balm for what ails me. At times the guilt for my children's misfortunes is overwhelming. I realize that the enemy seeks to separate me from God using guilty and shame. Guilt and shame act as a block to the mercy and the grace of God.

For the last year, Philippians 3:14 would pop up in devotion after devotion. It's a message that I need to hear and receive...forgetting what is past, what is behind. I have to learn to let go, accept them for who they are and realize that I cannot change one thing about their lives. I must leave it up to God. I must also accept that I am not perfect, that I was not the perfect parent, I did the best I could. I must learn to release the shame and guilt of picking not one but two bad husbands.

Healing, restoration...not my battle, "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's."

I can only change my thinking, feelings and behaviors. I am not able to determine or manipulate things to effect an outcome for my children which I most want and desire for them. I hand over my children to You, and leave it up to Your will God to give blessing and wisdom to my children to control their own lives. I ask You to help me forgive me.

What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

‘Tis the season to be jolly

But how can I be when I have nobody

The yuletide carol doesn’t make it better

Knowing that we won’t be together

A silent night I know it’s gonna be

Joy to the world

But it’s gonna be sad for me

What do the lonely do

At Christmas

Oh, oh, what do the lonely do

At Christmas time

The children can play with their new toys

While their little hearts burst open with joy

And lovers can kiss beneath the mistletoes

The choirs can sing those glorious songs of old

But what is left

Oh, for me to do

Now that it’s Christmas

And I don’t have you

What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas, the Emotions

Never have I felt my singleness more than this year. This will be my second Christmas as a single person, my first since my divorce was final in October. I can't say that I'm depressed, but more like melancholy is my state. Although my family is coming, the Christmas season will be different for me. My dear kitty is gone, my 51st birthday is close, my shoulder rehab is going slow.

But then I must slap myself and pause: the Word made flesh. Wow, when you think about it closely, what a blessing to the world!! Who would have thought that the Word would come as a baby? Who would have thought that the Word would come to serve? Who would have thought the Word made flesh would love me so much to bear my sins on that cross?

The world would have you believe so many falsehoods about this time of year. Yes it is magical, but you don't have to be a couple to experience the magic.

The answer to the question, what do the lonely do at Christmas, is to serve, to focus not on one's self, to love.

A Place of Rest

The enemy is always busy. I keep wondering why he bothers with me. And he knows what buttons to push. But God sends the Holy Spirit to help us fight the attacks of the enemy. I almost lost my cool this week; I like to tell folks I haven't always been saved!!! But when Peter asked Jesus, how many times must we forgive, and forgive we must, He answered him. But we are also admonished to speak the truth in love, which is what I had to do.

I'm thankful to be employed during this volatile period in our country's history. But I am also so glad to have the weekend off. I am going to clean, put up my tree, just chill! A day of rest...what a novel idea!

Lost and Found

I had a favorite set of Christmas mugs that had different cats. There was one that I loved to drink from during the holidays. It had a gray tabby that reminded me of Jessi. I lost those mugs in the divorce, as with so many things that had sentimental meaning for me. After searching, I found one on eBay and placed a fairly high bid. But alas, I was outbid and it was not to be.

Letting go of the past has not been easy for me, but let go I must. I must keep moving forward. Perhaps it is the memories to treasure and not things.

I am still a work in progress. But He who has begun a work in me, will continue to it to completion. Philippians 1:6.

Not against flesh and blood

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

I believe in spiritual battles. In fact I believe Satan, the father of confusion, sees to confuse us, to make us think it's God. Sometimes it is, because we are promised trials in this life. But God promises He will see us through, Satan makes us believe we are alone in our struggle. God impressed upon my heart, the following verse: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Rom. 12:18

As an attorney, there is a tendency for strife. I have always thought that I was mismatched to my profession. I do not like the fight; I will not back down from one but I have always tried to achieve as much peace and unity, knowing in the end that I always look for a win-win.

I seek peace. I crave it. It is the order of the Universe. Maybe I have finally figured that peace is love and drama, well, drama is just drama. This sums up how I feel; I found this on a website:

To be a lover of and worker after peace is one of the distinguishing marks of those who are followers of the Prince of peace. That miracle of grace which has made them at peace with God causes them to regard their fellows with sincere benevolence, desiring to promote their best interests, both here and hereafter. It is their care, so much as in them lies, to live peaceably with all men, and therefore do they abstain from deliberate injury of others. In each relationship they occupy—domestic, social, ecclesiastical—it is their desire and endeavour to prevent and allay strife. They are lovers of concord, promoters of unity, healers of breaches. They delight to pour oil on troubled waters, to reconcile those who are estranged, to right wrongs, to strengthen the kindly ties of friendship.