Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

My family has come and gone. My daughter finally made it back, after being trapped in Portland because of the snow. For those of us in climes where snow is a marvel, for her its a way of life.

During our Christmas dinner, I asked everyone to say what they would do if they only have one month to live. My daughter surprised me, she said she would go and visit her father in prison. This revelation prompted serious discussions among me and my 2 children, as well as some negative behaviors. I haven't avoided the discussion of their father, but it brings with it so much baggage, so much hurt. But we must face that thing that we fear. If they are ever to heal, they must fact the hurt and shame. I must face the hurt, the shame and the guilt.

We are scattered to the winds, but time together was good and maddening. What is it about the holidays that causes so much tension? I found my children reverting back to high school behaviors. Watching them and talking with them, let me know that they have hurts from the past that are just hard to heal. I cannot begin to fathom what it's like to have a father in prison for a heinous crime. I cannot imagine what it was like to witness their mother being assaulted by their father. I cannot imagine what it's like to wonder "will I turn out like that too?" I am powerless to change the past, or change my children. I cannot make up for the past, but I can fix my eye on the one who can change it all, the one who has the power to heal, that is Jesus." We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

Prayer is the balm for what ails me. At times the guilt for my children's misfortunes is overwhelming. I realize that the enemy seeks to separate me from God using guilty and shame. Guilt and shame act as a block to the mercy and the grace of God.

For the last year, Philippians 3:14 would pop up in devotion after devotion. It's a message that I need to hear and receive...forgetting what is past, what is behind. I have to learn to let go, accept them for who they are and realize that I cannot change one thing about their lives. I must leave it up to God. I must also accept that I am not perfect, that I was not the perfect parent, I did the best I could. I must learn to release the shame and guilt of picking not one but two bad husbands.

Healing, restoration...not my battle, "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's."

I can only change my thinking, feelings and behaviors. I am not able to determine or manipulate things to effect an outcome for my children which I most want and desire for them. I hand over my children to You, and leave it up to Your will God to give blessing and wisdom to my children to control their own lives. I ask You to help me forgive me.