Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow

My family has come and gone. My daughter finally made it back, after being trapped in Portland because of the snow. For those of us in climes where snow is a marvel, for her its a way of life.

During our Christmas dinner, I asked everyone to say what they would do if they only have one month to live. My daughter surprised me, she said she would go and visit her father in prison. This revelation prompted serious discussions among me and my 2 children, as well as some negative behaviors. I haven't avoided the discussion of their father, but it brings with it so much baggage, so much hurt. But we must face that thing that we fear. If they are ever to heal, they must fact the hurt and shame. I must face the hurt, the shame and the guilt.

We are scattered to the winds, but time together was good and maddening. What is it about the holidays that causes so much tension? I found my children reverting back to high school behaviors. Watching them and talking with them, let me know that they have hurts from the past that are just hard to heal. I cannot begin to fathom what it's like to have a father in prison for a heinous crime. I cannot imagine what it was like to witness their mother being assaulted by their father. I cannot imagine what it's like to wonder "will I turn out like that too?" I am powerless to change the past, or change my children. I cannot make up for the past, but I can fix my eye on the one who can change it all, the one who has the power to heal, that is Jesus." We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you."

Prayer is the balm for what ails me. At times the guilt for my children's misfortunes is overwhelming. I realize that the enemy seeks to separate me from God using guilty and shame. Guilt and shame act as a block to the mercy and the grace of God.

For the last year, Philippians 3:14 would pop up in devotion after devotion. It's a message that I need to hear and receive...forgetting what is past, what is behind. I have to learn to let go, accept them for who they are and realize that I cannot change one thing about their lives. I must leave it up to God. I must also accept that I am not perfect, that I was not the perfect parent, I did the best I could. I must learn to release the shame and guilt of picking not one but two bad husbands.

Healing, restoration...not my battle, "Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's."

I can only change my thinking, feelings and behaviors. I am not able to determine or manipulate things to effect an outcome for my children which I most want and desire for them. I hand over my children to You, and leave it up to Your will God to give blessing and wisdom to my children to control their own lives. I ask You to help me forgive me.

What Do The Lonely Do At Christmas?

‘Tis the season to be jolly

But how can I be when I have nobody

The yuletide carol doesn’t make it better

Knowing that we won’t be together

A silent night I know it’s gonna be

Joy to the world

But it’s gonna be sad for me

What do the lonely do

At Christmas

Oh, oh, what do the lonely do

At Christmas time

The children can play with their new toys

While their little hearts burst open with joy

And lovers can kiss beneath the mistletoes

The choirs can sing those glorious songs of old

But what is left

Oh, for me to do

Now that it’s Christmas

And I don’t have you

What Do the Lonely Do At Christmas, the Emotions

Never have I felt my singleness more than this year. This will be my second Christmas as a single person, my first since my divorce was final in October. I can't say that I'm depressed, but more like melancholy is my state. Although my family is coming, the Christmas season will be different for me. My dear kitty is gone, my 51st birthday is close, my shoulder rehab is going slow.

But then I must slap myself and pause: the Word made flesh. Wow, when you think about it closely, what a blessing to the world!! Who would have thought that the Word would come as a baby? Who would have thought that the Word would come to serve? Who would have thought the Word made flesh would love me so much to bear my sins on that cross?

The world would have you believe so many falsehoods about this time of year. Yes it is magical, but you don't have to be a couple to experience the magic.

The answer to the question, what do the lonely do at Christmas, is to serve, to focus not on one's self, to love.

A Place of Rest

The enemy is always busy. I keep wondering why he bothers with me. And he knows what buttons to push. But God sends the Holy Spirit to help us fight the attacks of the enemy. I almost lost my cool this week; I like to tell folks I haven't always been saved!!! But when Peter asked Jesus, how many times must we forgive, and forgive we must, He answered him. But we are also admonished to speak the truth in love, which is what I had to do.

I'm thankful to be employed during this volatile period in our country's history. But I am also so glad to have the weekend off. I am going to clean, put up my tree, just chill! A day of rest...what a novel idea!

Lost and Found

I had a favorite set of Christmas mugs that had different cats. There was one that I loved to drink from during the holidays. It had a gray tabby that reminded me of Jessi. I lost those mugs in the divorce, as with so many things that had sentimental meaning for me. After searching, I found one on eBay and placed a fairly high bid. But alas, I was outbid and it was not to be.

Letting go of the past has not been easy for me, but let go I must. I must keep moving forward. Perhaps it is the memories to treasure and not things.

I am still a work in progress. But He who has begun a work in me, will continue to it to completion. Philippians 1:6.

Not against flesh and blood

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

I believe in spiritual battles. In fact I believe Satan, the father of confusion, sees to confuse us, to make us think it's God. Sometimes it is, because we are promised trials in this life. But God promises He will see us through, Satan makes us believe we are alone in our struggle. God impressed upon my heart, the following verse: "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Rom. 12:18

As an attorney, there is a tendency for strife. I have always thought that I was mismatched to my profession. I do not like the fight; I will not back down from one but I have always tried to achieve as much peace and unity, knowing in the end that I always look for a win-win.

I seek peace. I crave it. It is the order of the Universe. Maybe I have finally figured that peace is love and drama, well, drama is just drama. This sums up how I feel; I found this on a website:

To be a lover of and worker after peace is one of the distinguishing marks of those who are followers of the Prince of peace. That miracle of grace which has made them at peace with God causes them to regard their fellows with sincere benevolence, desiring to promote their best interests, both here and hereafter. It is their care, so much as in them lies, to live peaceably with all men, and therefore do they abstain from deliberate injury of others. In each relationship they occupy—domestic, social, ecclesiastical—it is their desire and endeavour to prevent and allay strife. They are lovers of concord, promoters of unity, healers of breaches. They delight to pour oil on troubled waters, to reconcile those who are estranged, to right wrongs, to strengthen the kindly ties of friendship.

The Rainbow Bridge

All things bright and beautiful,

All creatures great and small,

All things wise and wonderful,

The Lord God made them all.

I had to let my sweet Jessi Kitty go today. It was hard but it was the right thing to do. He was so very sick, he had liver failure, kidney failure, heart disease. It came on so sudden, but it was the perfect storm. I could not make the decision on Saturday, but after visiting him Saturday night at the animal hospital, I knew that I could not let him suffer. He gave me 16 years of pure joy and unconditional love. He was there through my first divorce, through all my troubles with my children; beside my bike he was the only other thing I really worried about taking from the house when I left Bill. I could always count on him for a warm, fuzzy nuzzle and a lick (he even learned not to put the rough sandpaper tongue on me).

Now Jessi, was a wild man in his day, never backing down from a fight. But he was also sweet and loving, wanting to sit in your lap and be petted and ears scratched. I will miss him, but I know he is now enjoying tuna, pain free and waiting for the day, when we will be together.

The vet gave me this, I had seen this before:

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent; His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Author unknown...

Stop Talking to me!

Listening to the message, God sometimes speaks to me...I can look at Joyce Meyer and she'll be talking to me too! The message was concerning evangelism and the Pastor quoted this verse:

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves. Matthew 10:16

Why is this relevant? In the last 2 years I have had the occasion to meet 2 people who claim to be atheist. One person, I interact with frequently and was somewhat surprised, although it explains a very scary dream I had after a particularly troublesome interaction. That night, I dreamed that evil forces were swarming around me as a lay in bed, I had to confess the authority I had as a believer to rebuke those spirits. I must have been talking in my sleep, because when I woke up, there was my cat, looking at me quizzically. I am scheduled to do battle with this person in the near future.

The other atheist, is a husband of a friend, who of all things, is a doctor. How can you witness miracles, and not believe? I have told them both, I am a Bible believing, hand raising, praising God with song Christian and I would pray for them.

I have been put in their paths and they in mine for a reason. Am I to witness? Should I let it be? How do you fight the devil? How do you get the devil to loose those over which he has a hold?

Lord, help me be shrewd!

Debt Free

The rich rule over the poor, And the borrower becomes a slave to the lender.
-- Proverbs 22:7 (NIV)

There has been one other time in my adult life when I was debt free except for a mortgage. Several years after my first divorce, I managed to pay off my student loan, my car, my ex's car. At the time we divorced we worked for 2 years to pay off all our credit card debt. That was in the early 90s. My goal has always been to be debt free as I head toward retirement. I have been blessed, to pay off my debts, a credit card and the medical loan I took out when my daughter went to rehab. I am always amazed at God's goodness. I attribute this to His mercy and grace and the decision I made last January to tithe, notwithstanding the fact that I was in debt, and bouncing checks every pay period. I decided to trust God, be obedient to His word and tithe. He has been faithful.

I bought a few things for myself, several pair of pants to replace the ones that Mister threw away. I even bought a few pair of new shoes, I am the consummate bargain shopper and found these on amazon.com, I vowed to pay no more than $25 and bought 3 pair and the shipping was free. I bought a Christmas tree. I got an oil change and bought new tires for my car. Having been on a strict budget for the last year, I find that I don't need to shop endlessly and buy things that I really don't need. When I think back on it, the mindless shopping was an attempt to fill a void in my life; I had a life lacking in love and caring and I thought things would comfort me and make me feel good and even feel good about myself. Minimalism and simplify is my theme and to my delight, God has shown me what's really important, to find joy in the simplest things. And I have found joy, watching the sun rise as I walk or run or ride, watching the stars in the night sky.

I will take the money that I would have been using to pay debt and fund a Roth IRA. My new mantra is if I can't pay for it, save for it and pay cash. I'm going to start saving for my next car.

I also have enough money for a down payment on a small house or condo. Now is the time to buy. I've been looking, but I'm in no hurry.

Trust

Trusting God sometimes is hard. I always think I can fix something....anything. But life's circumstances forced me to trust Him. I tried so hard to fix things for my son and daughter, but nothing was working. It was all falling down around me. And I was afraid, afraid that I would lose them both. Both the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said "Let go and trust Me". I won't say that it was easy, it was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I see that God had to do a work in them and a work in me and I was only getting in His way.

Lord, help me to trust you more.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him. Jeremiah 17:7

Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. John 14:1

We are God's Workmanship

I have become addicted to HGTV. I have remodeled my entire house (in my mind of course) after watching hours of of Design on a Dime, Hidden Potential, Design to Sell. I think its my right brain asserting itself after being suppressed after all these years. Being in a stifling, unfullfilling non supportive relationship, I had forgotten parts of myself. I buried my true self to be someone's version of me. I used to be creative, I have finished dining room sets, desks, bedroom furniture. I had forgotten my roots, but God has a way of bringing our talents and desires back to the forefront. We may forget, but He doesn't. We each have a divine purpose, but first and foremost, our purpose is to glorify God

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10

The Prodigal Son...and Daughter

“So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long way off, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. Luke 15:20


The message this morning was concerning evangelism; the pastor spoke of the story of the prodigal son. I had to shed some tears and praise God for His goodness and His grace and mercy, because my prodigal children have come home. I think back to last year and both were dining with the pigs! But they each, in their own way, started to return home, and I embraced them.

My son, is working full time and has been declared a senior. He has above a 3.0 average. My daughter decided to go back to school, picked a school in Oregon, drove herself there, met with the advisor, arranged for financial aid. She'll be moving in January. She told me she got tired of the lies, tired of working and needed to get her act together, mend her fences with me and her family. She sounds happier and more like the loving little girl she used to be.


I remember what my daughter said to me on Mother's Day; she thanked me for believing in her. I told her, it wasn't just that I believed in her; I believed God.

But now this is what the Lord says:
“Do not weep any longer,
for I will reward you,” says the Lord.
“Your children will come back to you
from the distant land of the enemy.
There is hope for your future,” says the Lord.
“Your children will come again to their own land. Jerimiah 31:16-17

But my work seems so useless!

I replied, “But my work seems so useless!
I have spent my strength for nothing and to no purpose.
Yet I leave it all in the LORD’s hand;
I will trust God for my reward.” [Isaiah 49:4]

I came across this word today. It's amazing how the Holy Spirit reaches out and touches us when we need it the most. As I was reflecting on the troubling events of last Thursday, I thought how hard we worked on this case and how poorly the ultimate end result was. But as the servant said in Isaiah, "I will trust God for my reward". Because isn't that really what its all about? It's really not about me. My role was to do the best job I could do. The rest is up to God.

I am thankful that I found public interest law. For the vast majority of my career, I practiced in an area of the law that I didn't really like, that I felt served no true purpose. Since finding this job, I regret that I didn't find it sooner. I think it was because I had the wrong idea about success. In my mind success was all about money and prestige. But I found that to be so lacking and so hollow. I feel so much more fulfilled. I'm so thankful that God sent me to the state. He answered my prayers.

Just get over it

I had the worst day at my job. Sometimes you can't save your clients from themselves. So I need to learn to let it go. I did the best job I could as a lawyer. And at the end of the day, my family and my health are the most important thing in the world. And it dawned on me that God's grace and mercy are available to me. How awesome is that??!!?? That God would use me, even though the outcome was not what I had hoped it would be nor was it in line with the law. But God in His infinite wisdom is in control. And I rest on that promise.

Can't we just all get along.....

I wish some folks would get over it....Obama is not going to run this country into the ground. In case folks haven't noticed, we are already in the ground. We need to get over this partisanship and the hatred. We can respectfully disagree, but let's try to work together to return this nation to its greatness.

The Battle is the Lord's

I reread the story of David and Goliath. I am an attorney for a state agency. We have limited resources. We frequently face the biggest law firms in the state. I have been in contentious negotiations and I thought about David and Goliath.

David was discounted because he was young, he was a sheep herder. When he asked questions about Goliath, he was shushed by his brother and he responded, "can't I even speak"? I wonder if we are discounted because we are government employees? In my entire legal career, I have never worked with such dedicated attorneys.

When David offered to fight Goliath, Saul scoffed. But David was steadfast in his faith.

David was a man of faith. He believed in God; he watched as God was being defiled by Goliath. He wanted to be God's instrument; he wanted to stand up for God. When David faced Goliath he said: "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied...All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's..."

Not that we are the instrument of the Lord in a battle for just and reasonable rates, but there are so many lessons to be learned from the story of David and Goliath. First, never underestimate the little guy. Sometimes less is more...David had 5 stones and a sling shot!

Next, stand up for your beliefs.

If God be for you, who can be against you. Trust Him, He can use any method, even the small and meek to accomplish His purposes.

Finally in the end, it is God who saves, it is His battle not ours. He sent an ordinary man to redeem us. God defeats the enemy without the sword or the spear. He uses, of all things, a cross and a grave, a crucifixion and resurrection. He again uses what is weak to put the strong to shame and what is foolish to shame the wisdom of the wise. He uses His Son, dying on the cross and arising from the grave, to defeat the powers of darkness.

The battle is the Lord's. And, so is the victory.

People get ready, there's a change a 'coming....

As I walked into the polls at 7:45 a.m., the tears started. What a momentous occasion, what a historic day. I wish my mother had lived to see it. I thought about growing up in the deep, segregate south. This isn't just an historic day for African Americans, but for all Americans.

Now the McCain supporters need to show the grace and class that he has shown. I have admired McCain, he is a man of conviction. I believe he was sincere when he said that we must find a way to bridge the divide, that despite all the differences, we are all Americans.

People get ready, there's a train comin'
You don't need no baggage, you just get on board
All you need is faith to hear the diesels hummin'
You don't need no ticket you just thank the lord
--Curtis Mayfield, People get ready

On the eve of history

I did not think I would live to see in my lifetime, the prospect of a Black president. Whether Obama wins or loses, it is an historic event. My parents marched with Dr. King, I remember where I was and exactly what I was doing when Dr. King was assassinated. And now we are on the eve of history. And to think, I would have voted for McCain had this been 2004 and had he faced Gore!

The continuing divorce saga...I may have to take Mister back to court to get my money. I agreed to the money so we didn't have to sale the house, but if that's how he wants it, then ok.

“When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.” Isaiah 43:2

Finally!

Deuteronomy 31:8

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.

I don't know what happened and why I stopped posting, but I've decided to start up again. My divorce was finally final on October 14. I have yet to receive my payment. Just another ploy, just another trick of the enemy.

I had shoulder surgery on September 25. This time on my left shoulder. I decided not to wait, once it started hurting. So now I have matching shoulders. I actually had a tear in the exact same place on the left subscapula, as the one I had on the right.

I need to slow down, I have been working like a field hand, like the Hebrew children, to the detriment of my recovery. So this weekend, I did nothing major. Friday was Halloween, I carved pumpkins and passed out candy with my neighbor Denise , drinking margaritas and eating pizza. Saturday, I spent the day watching movies and reading. Ditto for Sunday. So I'm hoping to be rested for the upcoming week.

This is new beginning for me and I'm actually excited for the future.

No Weapon....

This is it! My fast is over. For 21 days I have eaten no meat, dairy, eggs, processed foods, sugar, coffee. I have learned to love all over again different fruits and veggies and all sorts of beans. I feel so much better. I have sought the Lord, and He has has answered me, He has given me a new direction. He has increased my faith ten-fold. I know that although circumstances may not change, I have changed. And by me changing, my circumstances change. No matter what the problem is, no matter how impossible things or situations seem in the natural, I know that supernaturally, God is in control. He is still on the throne. How Great is our God!

What began as a prayer for our children, became a time of introspection for me. It became a time for healing some hurts that I had shoved deep inside. During this time, I came to realize that God's blessings, the blood of Jesus, was meant for me too, in spite of my sins. I started to understand what a great gift we have been given, how much God loves us and wants what's best for us, if we stay obedient to His Word.

Training during this time was somewhat difficult, I was a little behind in my calories on some days, probably didn't get enough protein the other days. But I have started to cleanse my diet of unhealthy foods, and try new things. I joined a farm co-op which will bring me fresh vegetables that are in season.

I also have gotten the clarity I need on some issues...No weapon formed against me, shall prosper. Isaiah 54:18

For I know the plans that I have for you.....

The jail you plan for me is the jail you gonna rot in. Ms Celie, The Color Purple

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. Psalm 23:6

I had to go to court today for a procedural conference to set a trial date for my divorce. The only thing I’m requests is a division of equity. He brought out an “addendum” from his first divorce, which states that if the house is sold, the first wife gets a share. This addendum wasn’t filed with his first divorce decree. But the judge says that it’s confusing, so the ex-wife needs to be brought in to the case. I’m sure he was not expecting that. Or maybe he was. Not my issue. But when you plan to do harm to someone, you never know how it’s gonna turn out. Besides, she deserves some of that money anyway, and now she is gonna get it.

My trial date is April 11. My countdown to freedom! I am going to plan a celebration.

My fast is coming to an end. So much has been revealed to me. I have so much peace. God has said, “this battle is not yours, it’s mine” (2 Chronicles 20:15). I am learning to embrace the cross and am coming to the acceptance that there is nothing that I have done that hasn’t been washed clean by the blood of Jesus. I still have lots of issues to work on, and I now have the confidence to work them out. I no longer have fear of them and I no longer want these issues to keep me in bondage. I long for peace and for freedom.

Alienation and Reconcilation

Once you were alienated from God ... but now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.-- Colossians 1:22

I think I said fasting shows you where things in your life are out of whack. I had started this fast to pray for our children. My daughter reminded me that "we don't need prayer, we're doing fine"...I had to laugh and remind her that maybe the reason they are doing fine, is that someone has been praying for them all along. I could see the light bulb go off in her head...oh yeah, that makes sense.

God has revealed to me so much that is broken in my spirit, I have so much guilt and shame over my past behavior. He is showing me what it truly means to be "bought with a price" and how to be covered in the blood.

I don't want to be like the Israelites, taking 40 years for an 11 day journey. The fast has shown me, that I too, need God's healing grace.

There must be some kind of way out of here

There must be some kind of way out of here. All Along the Watchtower, Jimi Hendrix

O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. Psalms 63:1


During this fast, God has sent some folks in my path that have spoken words of truth into my spirit.

I was thinking about looking for another job. One of the lawyers in the office left. But a person whom I respect very much and is a man who truly seeks after God, said, sometime when there is peace and no strife, then just perhaps, that is where the Lord wants us to be.

At my last job, I felt unappreciated; like a voice crying in the wilderness; trying to do the right thing, when not too many others cared. They only cared about increasing the stock price. I remember thinking, I have never worked with such ungodly people.

Then I found my current position and I have never been happier. There are lots of Christians who are unashamed to profess God in every situation. There are opportunities to witness and to be the light that God has called us to be. It is not a perfect place, but it is one where I feel at home. I put in long hours and don't mind. I am learning new things and constantly challenged.

I think I had fallen into the trap of "if there is no drama" something must be wrong. I prayed for peace, not for things to never go wrong, but for peace. And God has heard my cry.

Yesterday, I ran further and longer than I have ever run in my life, 6.58 miles, 1:20. It was a struggle, because where I live you cannot avoid hills and being on the fast, my diet isn't exactly what I would normally eat during training. I had a some gastric-intestinal distress, but I did it! All in all training is going well.

We are trying to form a relay team for the Valley of the Sun Half Marathon, March 9.

Another Saturday Night....

Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody
I got some money 'cause I just got paid.
How I wish I had someone to talk to;
I'm in an awful mess.
Another Saturday Night, Sam Cooke

I don't know that I'm in an awful mess...It's very peaceful (Romans 5:1); the cats are sleeping and I'm listening to an old Billy Graham Crusade. This is day 12 of the fast, and I find myself incredibly hungry and longing for coffee. I was tired today and actually took a nap, something I rarely do. I know that my body is under stress, I did not do my long run today. But since this a long weekend for me (Thank you Martin, even though this is pretty late to be celebrating your birthday), I can run tomorrow.

Fasting does have a way to letting you know what areas of your life are out of whack. I have had some time to do a lot of soul searching and praying. I am seeing some breakthroughs. I feel that this time of fasting and praying and reading God's word is equipping me for the battle yet to come. I feel something in my spirit telling me that I need to be prayed up. Or maybe it's because my life has been in such turmoil, I'm always looking for the bad to happen, instead of expecting the good. My attitudes are slowly changing, God can do that...and 2 weeks without meat or coffee or sugar can do that for you.

I took a Spiritual Gifts Assessment test at church, it's like Myers Briggs, but only it uncovers your spiritual gifts and your personality types. From the assessment you discover where your involvement in the church should be. I have the gift of encouragement and the gift of faith.

It's interesting because a close friend told me that he thought that was my gift, to encourage others. I have always said of my athletic endeavors that I do it to show others that you can start late in life and still be an athlete.

And faith, well I have had a true encounter with an angel, who saved me from making what would have been the worse mistake of my life. From that day forward, "I knowed there is a God"

Twinkle, Twinkle, little star.....

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. Psalms 30:5

Morning has broken, like the first morning
Blackbird has spoken, like the first bird
Praise for the singing, praise for the morning
Praise for the springing fresh from the world
Morning has Broken, Cat Stevens

I was out running this morning before dawn. There are a lot of mornings when I run, it is right at dawn and I watch the morning awake from its slumber. I live close to the mountains and never tire of their beauty. It is the highlight of my run to watch the sun peak over the mountains. I am constantly reminded of God’s splendor, even amid the multitude of houses (and believe me in Phoenix, they use every square inch of land, like they think it’s gonna run out) and concrete and asphalt.

So this morning I spoke to the stars and I thought, the world is so majestic, from the stars in the heavens that twinkle down upon us and give us light to the mountains that arch up from the earth to the heavens And I as I think "how amazing I wonder: who are we that God thinks about us and cares for us. Psalms 8:3-4.

I have this ritual that I perform whenever I ride; I speak to everyone and everything. I speak to people, even though this morning, I said “Good Morning” to a roadie and he shouted “DON’T DO THAT!” I didn't know if he was talking to me or trying to talk himself up the hill. I have dogs with their masters who bark at me and I greet them courteously, glad that they are on a leash, although it’s the smallest dogs who bark the most. I speak to other runners and walkers. God gave me the physical ability to be able to run, to get up at dark thirty and in the cold, the least I could do is try to act happy about it; so I greet everyone I meet.

I spoke once to a calf. I was riding my bike through an Indian reservation and rode up on a small herd, well, more like a group, of cows. The calf was moseying along, and I called out (not very loud), “Hey Cow!” He took one look at me, and broke and ran, LOL. I don’t think I look that menacing on a bike and I wasn't even going very fast.

Paul greeted everyone. Romans 16. I think if everyone took the time to be courteous, the world would be a little better for it.

There's still time to change the road you're on

If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow don’t be alarmed, now, that’s just a spring clean for the May Queen. Yes there are two paths you can go on and in the long run, there’s still time to change the road you’re on. Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin

I credit integration for giving me a love for rock music. I love the Who, Jefferson Airplane, and who does not love the Eagles?

While I was out riding my bike into a headwind, this song came to my mind. I was thinking about my children and the paths they are taking into young adulthood. They have both been on the wrong path, a result of some childhood trauma inflicted upon them by their father. My children were thrown into a pit by the actions of their violent father, who did not heap physical abuse on them, but verbal and emotional abuse. His actions culminated in him raping a woman and receiving a 20 year jail sentence. He was physically abusive to me; after he put a gun to my head, I prayed right there, "Lord if you get me out time (he had gotten me out numerous times before) I will never be back". This was a pit I jumped into and stayed there for over 10 years.

But God is a God of second chances, God is a God of restoration and as I pray for them and all the young people who are struggling into adult hood, I pray that they pick the right path for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction. (Matthew 7:13). I also God for healing and recovery for the childhood trauma my children suffered.

Running away...we need some rejuvenation

Thank you Frankie Beverly and Maze for today's title.

…let us run with patience the race that is set before us. Hebrews 12:1

I went down to watch the Rock and Roll Half Marathon. I have 2 friends racing, for each of them it was their first time. One was running; one was walking; both finished with big smiles. 13.1 miles is a long way and it was an encouragement to me to watch all of the runners of all shapes, sizes colors, push themselves to run 13.1 miles. From the fast to the slow, they are all to be commended.

Training and preparing mentally for a race translates into what we must do to grow closer to God. You can’t ramp up too fast or you get injured; if you have no discipline, no base by training, the race will be hard, a suffer fest. Perhaps this is why Paul chose this analogy.

This is day 6 of my Daniel Fast. I don’t miss meat as much as I thought I would. I do really miss coffee. I thank God that I was in trial all week; it distracted me. I must say, that I am actually eating better than I normally eat. I have to plan and cook in order to make this work. I have opened my mind to new recipes and new ways of thinking about food. I thought I would never, ever, live without meat. But now I think I could go meatless 5 days out of 7. Eating all these vegetables, fruits and nuts also has a cleansing affect, on Wednesday I had some gastro distress. I didn’t even want to be in the room with me. But, there was a situation every single day that made me want to slap the taste out of someone's mouth...I had to pray for God to take my hand, still my tongue. But I lost it a couple times on cross examination of 2 separate witnesses...Do you understand the words that are coming from my mouth??? For the love of God and of time, please just answer the questions!

I have dedicated this fast to the praying for our young people. But as I was planning out my year, God spoke to me about my finances and about discipline. The same discipline that I use to train and to fast, I need it in my finances. The borrower is a slave to the lender. (Proverbs 22:7 )It was one of my goals to become debt free, but it is becoming increasing clear that the country is in a recession, prices are going through the rough, and a little discipline in the money area is not a bad thing. Saving money and living simply, is a reachable goal. So I cut out all but basic cable. The shows are in reruns because of the strike, most of the shows I like are available on line. I discontinued my subscriptions to Blockbuster and Net Flix. The library has a decent collection of DVDs to rent for free. I am committed to taking the bus 3 days a week. I already take my lunch and now make my dinners. Instead of endless shopping, I take a walk. I feel with these measures I'm making progress toward my goal.

Part of the fast is refraining from secular T.V. So I got a couple of DVDs from the library on the history of Christianity and on Jesus. I have always wanted to study religion, and this is the lazy person's way, watching a DVD, Christianity, the First 1000 Years and I check out the Second 1000 Years today.

Watch Fast and Pray

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash" Matthew 7:24-27

My church has asked the congregation to fast for 21 days. We are doing a modified fast, the Daniel Fast. Why fast? I have always fasted in times of deep spiritual need. When I feel the need to strengthen my foundation, because if the foundation is strong, I know I will be able to withstand anything that comes against me.I know that God is always with me, but sometimes I need to really feel his presence in my life.

We are asked to contemplate on this: "What am I asking God to do in the next 21 days?" There's not much I'm seeking for myself. I want to strengthen my knowledge of God. I have always been interested in theology and I plan to spend the next 21 days educating myself on the history of the church.

I am asking God to protect and save our children. Our young adults seem to be aimless, seeking instant gratification, they seem to be searching...for,I guess, peace. Because our society has abandoned the values like hard work, thrift, charity to be replaced by greed, idleness, selfishness, we are seeing this manifested in our children.

And so I pray, and long for coffee!

But you gotta have friends...

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10


"Wasting away again in Margaritaville, looking for my lost shaker of salt. Some people say that there's a {wo}man to blame, but I guess it's my own damn fault." Magaritaville

With thanks to Jimmy Buffet!

Good friends, good libations, good food...what more could you ask for to celebrate hitting the half century mark. Margaritas in a bucket...what a novel idea. I had 5 or maybe 6, but who's counting? I didn't have to drive, just had to drive myself upstairs.

We are all fabulous women, sharing joys, heartaches and triumphs. Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis

Before I decided to invite a few people over, I hesitated..thinking I don't have enough furniture, my place isn't decorated like I wanted. But true friends don't care what you have; they care about YOU. So a few of my friends showed up to help me celebrate. We decided next time, we would have a slumber party!!

God did not mean for us to be alone. He even said so in Genesis. As a believer you need fellowship with other believers. Someone to lift you up when you fall. And it is just plain fun to have friends.

Happy 50th Birthday to me!!

"Show me, O LORD, my life's end and the number of my days; let me know how fleeting is my life. Psalm 39:4

50 is the new 30!

50 is the new 30!

I am in awe that I have arrived at this milestone, somewhat sane and alive. When I think back over the previous 50 years, I can see God’s hand of protection over me.

Some people are stunned that first, I tell my age and second that I am not terrified of being 50. I am healthy and for the first time in 30 years, free from abusive, stifling relationships. I remember thinking this time last year, “I don’t want to go into my 50s with a man hitting me and cussing me. My life has got to be different.” I resolved that the next time he hit me, that was it. That was February 4, 2007 and I made my plans to get out of that living hell.

This is a new beginning, a fresh start, a chance to do it different. I feel as if God gave me a “do-over” and I am so grateful. My goal is to live up to the gift that God has given me. I am reminded of the life of King Hezekiah. He prayed to the Lord to heal him and the Lord gave him 15 years . I hope to receive that and many more from God and make good use of the time I have left. To praise God, to use the abilities He has given me, to make someone’s life a little easier, to pray for my friends and enemies alike.

So my plans for this year: Run my first half marathon. I have always wanted to do an Ironman, but after my first century, I said, there is no way I’m running 26 miles after being on the bike this long. So I kept training, kept hoping and became more realistic and accepting of my abilities. So I thought, a half Ironman can be within my reach. But I could not mentally conceive of running 13 miles. I could see the 1.2 mile swim, I’d be last out of the water, but I know it would be doable. I could see the 56 miles on the bike; I’d be fresh enough off the bike to run. But 13 miles…my cycling coach said if I would run a stand alone half marathon, he would train me for a half ironman. So I signed up for Lost Dutchman Half Marathon, February 17. It has also been designated as a marathon by National Black Marathoners Association, so it will be nice to run with people of color.

So as I start my life anew, I am happy, healthy and somewhat of a sane mind. Now if God could just do something about those hot flashes!

Envy

A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones. Proverbs 14:30

As I was flying back to my hometown for Christmas, I started to take stock of my life. But I found myself thinking of a friend, to whom blessing after blessing has been bestowed, while my life seems blessing-less. I wonder what made her so worthy of having a successful business, children who were succeeding, a home, money, clothes, and more attention from men that she could give each of her friends a man and have men left over! I became more and more agitated until I convinced myself that maybe I need to distance myself from her. I began to feel as if I were nothing.

But wait, wasn't this the friend who stood with me when I married, stood by me when my first husband was on the run from the police, called me every single day my daughter was in drug rehab? Wasn't this the friend "who stuck closer than a brother?" It was the enemy, trying to distract me, distance me from a woman is who so dear to me and such a good friend. I thought, I need to rejoice that the Lord has been so good to one of my best friends. Take that, (a slap) devil.

I had another conversation with one of my closest childhood friends, who said, in a discussion about weight, "when we were younger, I always used to compare myself to you." I was stunned, because she had beautiful clothes, a boyfriend, a car, all the things I never had in high school. And here she was, envious of me, because I was thin. But I was also short and she was 5'5". She has endured many health trials and has never failed to be upbeat and positive; she has such a loving spirit. She has such a faith-filled walk that I admire, I strive to be more like her, more joyful in the midst of trials, more trusting in God and more holding onto the Father's hand.

The enemy uses stealth, whisperings and murmerings, deception and doubt to steal a believer's joy. He seeks to separate us from other believers with thoughts of the things of this world. He whispers in my ear, "Look at what she's got, why doesn't God give that to you?" All the time I know the devil is a liar. I had to remember, that I am God's creation and that makes me good enough. I have all that I need, does not our Father promise this?

Verse for the Day

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!”- 2 Corinthians 5:17

How appropriate for the start of the New Year!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year! And a new year for me it will be. This time last year, I was recovering from rotator cuff surgery, in a joyless, abusive marriage, and worried about the direction my life was going and the lives of my two young adult children. I was worn out, tired of the abuse that was not only physical, but mental and verbal. I knew in my heart, that this was not the life that God intended me to have, some of it the consequences of my own sin. Don't get me wrong, men who abuse do so because they want to, not because anyone "made" them do it. But if I had not had so much pride and so much need, I wouldn't have overlooked all the red flags that were there and believe me they were there.

So I took a deep breath, stepped out on faith. I left my husband April 16 and really haven't looked back. There have been trials, but there has also been joy unspeakable and the peace that passes understanding.

I am working toward happiness. And now that I am free from that stifling, confining, nonsupporting relationship, I find that so many things are falling into place. My walk with God has been strengthened, my work has improved, I am running and accomplishing things in my cycling that I never dreamed was possible. I am losing so much self-doubt. I am starting to understand that life is short, that I must shake off fear (after all God did not give us the spirit of fear) and step out into the unknown.

I have released my children to God. The paths that they have chosen thus far are not the ones that I would have chosen for them, but they are healthy and self supporting. One of these days they will get tired of the $10/hour jobs and living with 50 zillion people, but they are happy, not on drugs, son in school, daughter thinking about going back, both are well liked at their jobs, well hey what more can I ask for at the moment.

God has opened up new doors for me, I've made wonderful friends, I have found a wonderful church home and I can finally say after 25 years of practicing law, I finally found my niche.

So as 2008 begins, I have hope, more hope than I have had in a long time. And that is a good thing!